CW Fisher's PARAGRAPHICA: Nippits moveable nipples

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Nippits moveable nipples

Do your nipples point the wrong way? Are they looking down instead of up? Are they staring at your elbows? Do you have trouble achieving erections? Now there's a cheaper alternative to breast enhancement surgery. Nippits, a product I just made up, comes with a padded bra to hide the actual nipple, plus two Nippits brand artificial nipples with velcrotype stays. This allows an older woman to place her nipples several inches higher than they actually are, perfectly recreating the timeless illusion of bouyancy she and so many others enjoyed in her youth. Got small breasts? Try our magnum nipples! Higher than a half inch tall atop an extra two inches of engorged aereola. Perky midsize models and Sprawlin Mama's also available. Millions of women will soon be saying: Gravity's not the boss of me. Nippits.

2 Comments:

At 10:49 AM, B2 said...: Get a patent now, before someone else does. Although I find it hard to believe noone else has already started selling this sort of product in the back of Cosmo or something.
At 4:14 PM, Random Person said...: The flu masks are actually to keep out the pollen released upon the advent of cherry-blossom season.

Everybody in Tokyo wears them.

I was the weird American not wearing one.

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CW Fisher is Curt Fisher: Explainer, Humorist, Humanitarian, Whore. Author of The Apologist, a collection of essays updated weekly, 101 Million Dollar Ideation Project, and The Post-Depressionist Almanac.

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CW Fisher is a speechwriter for politics or business, also toasts, talks and icebreakers; punch-ups, jokes, gags and send-ups; believable excuses, historical rewrites and outright lies )for a small extra charge). All work confidential and online.
Since no one has EVER responded to this pitch you are placed in the unique position of being first. And if you delay now, my services will only get cheaper and cheaper! Good strategy, musclehead, but who's stumbling around with the microphone and the martini? Is that you? Without a script, even a paragraph, something they'll always remember you by? You're really going to WING IT??? Man, what is your problem? Pride? Is it pride? That's it, isn't it? Pride. Shees. Ought to be ashamed. Just drop me an email, stinking email, what's the investment? I'll ask you some questions, pound you out a paragraph or two, bill you $50 or so. It's less than a tux rental and will make you look twice as good. I'm telling you. It's an offer. That's all I'm saying. You write me. Send me mail. You got a problem. I'm the solution. All there is to it. Best in the business. Fast, cheap, funny. When I'm through with you, people will like you. Put a price on that. You can't. I can. Fifty bucks. Serious. You call me.